Chapter 5 is now available for download. Read, share, and enjoy.
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To the author (as in, everyone else can skip it, as it’s a bit longish):
Firstly, I’d like to say that I’m really hooked on this, and I’m enjoying it thoroughly. That said, I almost never comment on anything, because if it’s good, someone else will say it and if it’s not, I don’t usually return.
I’m writing today because something jumped out at me, and I personally disliked the way it was written, because it just didn’t flow in a natural way. I’m talking about one line, on page 65, in which Parker says, “After my class… the black cashmere scarf Sam had given to me for Christmas, even though she was Jewish.” I really, really dislike that sentence…. It seems like an unnatural thing for the protagonist to be thinking, and a rather stilted way of the author trying to bring the fact that Sam is Jewish to light. It just doesn’t fit. I say this mostly because a) it really just doesn’t gel properly, and b) I have a Jewish boyfriend, and I swear that I never think things that way. If I’m thinking about how sweet it is that he gave me (insert gift here) for Christmas (he actually did give me a scarf last year), I usually think something along the lines of, “That scarf that my Jewish boy gave me last year for Christmas…” It’s just… it kind of feels like “Oh, that opera CD that Jon gave me, even though he’s a fan of rap.” You just don’t say it that way.
Which brings me to my next point: Now I think that Sam’s Judaism is really, really important to the story. So much so that the author tried really, really hard to work her heritage into the story before the importance is revealed, just so that we, the audience, would have that “Ahhhh!” moment of realization. It just feels forced. The whole sentence does. I feel (and I don’t want to tell you how to do your job, but…) that it would be more natural, though more incorrect, I know, as: “…the black cashmere scarf that Sam, my Jewish girlfriend, gave me for Christmas.” It’s seriously less subtle, but I’ve found that I am not at all subtle in my thoughts regarding things like Christmas and Chanukah and our little traditions surrounding the holidays when I’m thinking.
November 22nd, 2008 at 2:55 am
To the author (as in, everyone else can skip it, as it’s a bit longish):
Firstly, I’d like to say that I’m really hooked on this, and I’m enjoying it thoroughly. That said, I almost never comment on anything, because if it’s good, someone else will say it and if it’s not, I don’t usually return.
I’m writing today because something jumped out at me, and I personally disliked the way it was written, because it just didn’t flow in a natural way. I’m talking about one line, on page 65, in which Parker says, “After my class… the black cashmere scarf Sam had given to me for Christmas, even though she was Jewish.” I really, really dislike that sentence…. It seems like an unnatural thing for the protagonist to be thinking, and a rather stilted way of the author trying to bring the fact that Sam is Jewish to light. It just doesn’t fit. I say this mostly because a) it really just doesn’t gel properly, and b) I have a Jewish boyfriend, and I swear that I never think things that way. If I’m thinking about how sweet it is that he gave me (insert gift here) for Christmas (he actually did give me a scarf last year), I usually think something along the lines of, “That scarf that my Jewish boy gave me last year for Christmas…” It’s just… it kind of feels like “Oh, that opera CD that Jon gave me, even though he’s a fan of rap.” You just don’t say it that way.
Which brings me to my next point: Now I think that Sam’s Judaism is really, really important to the story. So much so that the author tried really, really hard to work her heritage into the story before the importance is revealed, just so that we, the audience, would have that “Ahhhh!” moment of realization. It just feels forced. The whole sentence does. I feel (and I don’t want to tell you how to do your job, but…) that it would be more natural, though more incorrect, I know, as: “…the black cashmere scarf that Sam, my Jewish girlfriend, gave me for Christmas.” It’s seriously less subtle, but I’ve found that I am not at all subtle in my thoughts regarding things like Christmas and Chanukah and our little traditions surrounding the holidays when I’m thinking.
Just my two cents from the peanut gallery. =)